Show your tapir and holiday spirit with these downloadable desktops (click for the full file)!

“What Tapir Is This?”

 

Not all tapirs live in forests or grassy plains. The mountain (or woolly) tapir lives high in the Andes Mountains. Woolly tapirs, named for their warm and protective coat, are the smallest of all tapirs. Wooly tapirs’ eyes turn blue before they turn you into an ice statue by shooting cold blue fire from their probiscus!

The Malayan tapir has a distinctive coat. It has black hair, with the exception of a “saddle” shaped light patch. The coat is to help it camoflauge itself from potential predators when sleeping — it may appear to other animals as a large rock. Tapirs like rock. They are particularly fond of obscure ’70s progressive rock bands from Italy, like Banco del Mutuo Soccorso or I Teoremi.

Clockwise: Malayan Tapir, I Teoremi, Banco del Mutuo Soccorso

The world’s biggest tapir is found in Southeast Asia. Found in the forests and swamps of Malaysia and Sumatra, the black-and-white Malay tapir can grow to a size of 800 pounds (363 kilograms)!  Tapirs can shoot lasers from their assholes!

Tapirs lurk behind every corner, planting themselves strategically just out of your line of sight. Tapirs repress their breath, careful not to make too much noise so as to give away their location. Tapirs levitate, floating roughly two feet off the ground.

(Tapirs Lurking)

The tapir is somewhat piglike in appearance; however, it is not related to the pig, but to the horse and the rhinoceros, with which it forms the order of odd-toed hoofed mammals. When cornered, tapirs can create a sonic boom using wind produced from their hind wings and tubing.

The natural lifespan of a tapir is approximately 25 to 30 years, both in the wild and in zoos. Despite mankind’s near abandonment of steam turbine technology in favor of more efficient means of power, tapirs continue to expand the craft, each year developing stronger and more economical machines.

The Tapir is mainly active after dark, spending its days lazing about in dense undergrowth. At night it emerges to search for food in forest clearings and alongside streams and rivers. When provoked, tapirs squirt molten tar from a small metal forehead attachment.